For years I have hidden- hidden from my past- from my mistakes- from the things that I am incapable of doing. One by one I have failed the people I love the most- the friends that have proven to be true, the family that has been entrusted to me… Instead of making things right – I run.
There is this sick side of me that believes that eventually I will get it just right- that I will not have to admit that I was unable to do the task I said I would do. The fear of being known as the one that failed- the one that did not get to do this or that- the one that never finishes what she starts haunts me, so I catch myself in a cycle of perpetual failing.
I fail = I hide because I failed which in turns leads to more failure … and so the cycle goes on.
I have let many people down.
I overcommit and then shut down.
I am unable to produce what is expected of me.
I don’t have the courage it takes to actually say no or to admit my failures.
I take time looking at myself and my inabilities and I spend countless hours doing one of three things:
- reinventing a way to be able to make “the task at hand” happen
- “soothing” my guilty conscious with mindless tasks that keep me occupied
- thinking I have other important things to do other than simply fulfill what has been asked of me
And so I wonder… Am I the only one that goes through this?
I am tired of living life carrying a load I was not meant to carry once in Christ- trying to act my way through life as though I did not need anyone or anything. The reality is that if I did not need anything- if indeed I am capable of doing anything out of my own accord- then I would have had no need for the Savior that gives meaning to my entire existence.
The more I try to hold on to my life- the more I lose it (Luke 17:33)… The more I try to act like I am fine- the more lonely I feel. The more I tell myself I can do it- the least I am able to function. Who am I kidding? God is not fooled! (Galatians 6:7)
It was the broken that wept at His feet and found healing- the ones who dared to look past the dirty looks of those around them – it was these who saw His gaze and were transformed. So like the woman who bled for 14 years (Matthew 9: 18-25), or the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-45) that chose to draw water alone, or perhaps like the woman that wept at His feet and washed His feet with her tears (Luke 7: 36-50)– I stand in front of you and say – I am not well under the masks and the facade.
God did not save me so that I would act my Christianity- or simply know about Him- He saved me so that He could live through me. The God that created the entire universe- The ONE whose voice holds the earth in its axis lives inside of me- so even when a failure – I am His daughter… and so are you!
Women all over the world are faking it.. Acting their way through their Christian life as though that would make the doubts and the pain go away. When did it become ok to simply fit in to the mold the world laid out for us? When did we stop taking God at His Word? When did we stop believing that His power and love is meant to transform even our lives?
Hosea 4:6 showcases a plea the Lord makes to His people. In it He states that His people are destroyed because of their lack of knowledge. I am tired of being defeated and destroyed simply because I do not know Him and who I am in Him. I am tired of seeing other women struggle in the same way.
I invite you to my broken journey.
I choose to let go of the 10,000 things I hold on to, and choose to simply let the Lord’s 300 be enough….
Would you walk this journey with me – in full transparency and frailty… ? It is time!
Love in Christ,
Nana
PS: If you are willing to start walking this journey with me, please leave a comment. I would like to know how I can pray for you..
Estoy contigo siempre y por ti no hay batalla que hasta el fin no luche…. Bendiciones en el conciente amor de Dios y que se manifieste por medio de nosotros como la paz.
los amo y gracias siempre
Gracias Pitin! Se que en ti siempre puedo contar. Te amo un mundo. 😉
Oh Nana, I think this is the most beautiful post you have ever written. I love you and I’m so glad you are back. I’ve been on a similar journey and although I am not yet fully healed, I’m definitely on my way to complete freedom! There is hope and I hold onto it. I am praying for you and I appreciate your prayers as well.
Marjolaine, I am not sure if I have ever told you, but you are a true blessing to me! You inspire me to strive forth in my faith and my pursuit of Him. Thank you for always believing in the fact that He is not done with me. Love that He is working in your life and that you too are on a journey to freedom in Christ. I pray that you will persevere in this journey and that together we would gaze upon His face! 🙂 Love you dear sister!
Hi Nana, I know your pain…OMG it’s almost like I have Adult ADD…or something….I just start something and something else comes up..maybe it is just part of being a mom, working, for me being sick…it is ALOT…plus our children do sooo much…husbands only can focus on one thing OMGoodness it is on going…SO I can relate…
Have you read or seen the Ann Voskamp, 1000 Gifts??? OMG it is amazing…it will really help you to see that we are all in it…and yes we need to focus on the GIFTS which will open up a whole world of amazing things…IF you can go get it ck out her web site..good stuff my friend…tons of blessings to you …do not fret…all is in GOD’S time… =)
Hi Maggie! 🙂 Thank you so much for your comment. I too think often that I have Adult ADD, so I totally relate to what you are sharing. 😉
Thank you for the suggestion. I will definitely check Ann Voskamp out. Will let you know how the Lord uses it during this journey.
Tons of blessings to you as well!
Hugs!
OMG….. Welcome back! Yes, I’m definitely walking with you. Can’t wait to begin this journey!
Many Blessings……
Thank you so much for the warm welcome Grisselle. It will be a blessing to walk this journey alongside you.. 🙂 Tons of hugs!
You ARE a courageous, smart, creative and loving woman.
Yes! I think most of us go through this journey of becoming aware, accepting and the working with our shadow part and the parts of ourselves we don’t like.Thanks for sharing with all of us!
Sending prayers and love; and a hug!
Thank you Jackie for taking the time to encourage me! 🙂 It means the world to me.. Tons of hugs and love for you and your family! 🙂
Nana, I agree with Marjolaine! The course I took from you several years ago really did change my life…it happened during a time I needed it most…maybe you feel like a failure, but you’re a winner to me (however, I totally get what you wrote about because I often feel the same way too!)…good to have you back!!! Love and BIG hugs!
YAY Anita! Those words have made my day.. I praise God that anything I created had a great impact in your life.. It truly was an awesome time when we did that course together.. 🙂 Praise God that He is into the business of changing lives! 🙂 Your boldness and work has also impacted and transformed my life. Thank you for persevering! Love you tons!