failed

For years I have hidden- hidden from my past- from my mistakes- from the things that I am incapable of doing.  One by one I have failed the people I love the most- the friends that have proven to be true, the family that has been entrusted to me…  Instead of making things right –  I run.

There is this sick side of me that believes that eventually I will get it just right- that I will not have to admit that I was unable to do the task I said I would do.  The fear of being known as the one that failed- the one that did not get to do this or that- the one that never finishes what she starts haunts me, so I catch myself in a cycle of perpetual failing.

I fail = I hide because I failed which in turns leads to more failure … and so the cycle goes on.

I have let many people down.

I overcommit and then shut down.

I am unable to produce what is expected of me.

I don’t have the courage it takes to actually say no or to admit my failures.

I take time looking at myself and my inabilities and I spend countless hours doing one of three things:

  1. reinventing a way to be able to make “the task at hand” happen
  2. “soothing” my guilty conscious with mindless tasks that keep me occupied
  3. thinking I have other important things to do other than simply fulfill what has been asked of me

And so I wonder… Am I the only one that goes through this?

I am tired of living life carrying a load I was not meant to carry once in Christ- trying to act my way through life as though I did not need anyone or anything.  The reality is that if I did not need anything- if indeed I am capable of doing anything out of my own accord- then I would have had no need for the Savior that gives meaning to my entire existence.

The more I try to hold on to my life- the more I lose it (Luke 17:33)…  The more I try to act like I am fine- the more lonely I feel.  The more I tell myself I can do it- the least I am able to function.  Who am I kidding?  God is not fooled! (Galatians 6:7)

It was the broken that wept at His feet and found healing- the ones who dared to look past the dirty looks of those around them – it was these who saw His gaze and were transformed.  So like the woman who bled for 14 years (Matthew 9: 18-25), or the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-45) that chose to draw water alone, or perhaps like the woman that wept at His feet and washed His feet with her tears (Luke 7: 36-50)– I stand in front of you and say – I am not well under the masks and the facade.

God did not save me so that I would act my Christianity- or simply know about Him- He saved me so that He could live through me.  The God that created the entire universe- The ONE whose voice holds the earth in its axis lives inside of me- so even when a failure – I am His daughter… and so are you!

Women all over the world are faking it..  Acting their way through their Christian life as though that would make the doubts and the pain go away.  When did it become ok to simply fit in to the mold the world laid out for us?  When did we stop taking God at His Word?  When did we stop believing that His power and love is meant to transform even our lives?

Hosea 4:6 showcases a plea the Lord makes to His people.  In it He states that His people are destroyed because of their lack of knowledge.  I am tired of being defeated and destroyed simply because I do not know Him and who I am in Him. I am tired of seeing other women struggle in the same way.

I invite you to my broken journey.

I choose to let go of the 10,000 things I hold on to, and choose to simply let the Lord’s 300 be enough….

Would you walk this journey with me – in full transparency and frailty… ?  It is time!

Love in Christ,

Nana

PS: If you are willing to start walking this journey with me, please leave a comment. I would like to know how I can pray for you..